I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
