The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
