wrigley field is MILF paradise
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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