It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
