Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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