Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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