i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize