had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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