I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
