I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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