omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize