He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize