my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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