Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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