we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
