Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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