Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
