i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
