there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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