I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
as a side note pls kill me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
