How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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