i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
