before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
