I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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