I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize