i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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