Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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