I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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