So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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