i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
