I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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