I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
