he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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