haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
