ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
