You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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