I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
