Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
