I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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