Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
