watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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