I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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