My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
