totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
