Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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