When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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