he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
