I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
