matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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