I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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