I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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