I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
