What did we do last night that was yellow?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
