Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
