Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize