I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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