I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
