I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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