Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
