Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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