WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
